Anxiety is something I’ve always dealt with, but only recently knew it by it’s name. If you have never experienced it, you might think it’s made up or fabricated. I’ve heard things like “They just want attention” or “They are making a bigger deal than it is.” Let me just say these types of statements couldn’t be any further from the truth! Most people suffering from anxiety have other struggles as well: PTSD, depression, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, phobias, OCD, or others. Anxiety sufferers are also likely to have other disorders, such as bipolar, eating disorders, ADHD, headaches, substance abuse, IBS, sleep disorders, chronic pain, stress, and more. I experience several of these also. Since I’ve acquired an understanding of what it is and what forms it can take, I’ve realized that so many people suffer from it as well. We don’t all experience the same symptoms either. What I’ve decided to do instead of trying to explain it is let you read something I wrote while I was experiencing it in full blast! It may seem dark, but that’s where your mind goes.
Choking on water. Gasping for air. Feeling heavy and lifeless. But there’s so many people around me. Why can’t they see me drowning?
This, for me, is anxiety. It usually starts with lots of small things that aren’t a big deal or are nothing at all. A remark made with good intention. A glance directed at someone else. Dropping your $5 drink. Being late. Being ignored. These are some of the things that can start the buildup into a full fledged breakdown for me.
If you don’t have anxiety, it may be hard to comprehend how you can freak out about such insignificant things. Why can’t I just shake it off? The answer is anxiety. So please don’t hate or judge if you don’t get it, this is really meant to help those who do struggle with it and hopefully help the people who don’t have it understand, because you truly never know what kind of demons someone is battling inside their mind.
I did not intend to make this post so dark and heavy, but this is real and this is me. It just happens to be what I’m dealing with right now. And I am not here to tell you what works and how to make it go away, because I don’t know and I think it is different for everyone.
Personally, I turn to music that is what some might call depressing or angry. For some people that might make it worse, but for me, it helps me feel like I’m not alone and can help me overcome it. I think it would also help if I would talk about it. Part of anxiety has to do with it festering inside your mind, and letting go could be the first step to freedom. Just writing this out in my notes app has helped me calm down some.
Chester Bennington wrote a lyric that really makes sense to me: “If I could just let go, I’d be set free.” I’ve heard people say that was him talking about suicide, but I don’t think that is the case. I think he meant if he could let go of all the thoughts that were eating at him from the inside, he would be free.
Anyway, as my mind wanders… one thing that makes my anxiety worse is when I can’t be alone.
That’s all I wrote, but hopefully it opens your eyes some as to what goes on in the mind of an anxiety sufferer. This was actually the beginning of something that got pretty bad for me. It turned into depression and aside from my required daily tasks, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Of course, I made sure my children were taken care of and I kept up with my schoolwork, but that’s about it. Once that little storm was lifted, I’ve been great for a couple months! I have a few days here and there where anxiety starts to build, but nothing I can’t manage. It always creeps up on me and usually hits me out of nowhere, and I feel like my head is going to explode.
Thanks for reading. I hope everyone who feels the same way knows that they are not alone. It is important to let people in, even when that’s the last thing you want to do. And for those who have never experienced anxiety, I pray you never do and hope you take away a little comprehension of what people you know may be going through. We all need to be a little more considerate in this world.
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