Married people fight. It’s completely normal and it can actually be healthy for your relationship. Don’t you usually feel closer and more in love after a big fight? We do! Fights can be quick and painless, or lengthy and excruciating. Everyone has different personalities and fighting techniques. Nobody wants to fight (I don’t think), but it helps your relationship grow and your marriage thrive!
I’m the type of person who bottles feelings up inside a little too long, because I despise confrontations. But what’s worse is that during a fight, I shut down. I know this is the last thing you should do when you’re fighting (especially with a loved one). My husband, on the other hand, is the complete opposite of me. So, when we have a big fight (which is only about once a year), we come to a complete standstill. He makes me shut down more because of the way he fights, and I make him verbalize his frustrations more because of my defense technique. It is like a never ending circle and we accomplish nothing. Of course, eventually, we come to our senses, apologize, and start talking about the real issues. Luckily, our fights are few and far between, but they are not very pleasant, to say the least. I would like to share some things that have helped us make fighting a little less painful (that we are still working on).
- Pray for peace
When you are mad at someone, it can be very hard to find peace. But if you pray for peace and ask God for the words to say to your husband (or wife), it can make the fight much easier, shorter, and peaceful. When you are overcome by peace, you see things in love, not anger.
“I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.
John 14:27 (NLT)
- Talk or shut up?
I say this because there are two types of fighters (like I said before): the verbal and the silent. Us quiet ones need to learn how to talk when the time is right and the loud ones (like my husband) need to learn when to be quiet! (I’m aware that this verse is out of context, but it does fit this scenario!)
Please be quiet! That’s the smartest thing you could do.
Job 13:5 (NLT)
- Take a break
I know you aren’t supposed to go to bed mad, but there are some cases when the fight doesn’t end in a day. I think that if the fight lasts longer, you should agree to take a break, call a truce to think things through alone, and come back when you’re more calm and level headed. It’s a hard thing to do during a big fight, but if you can agree to it, it could be extremely beneficial!
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28 (NLT)
The only way to successfully end a fight is to come to an agreement or compromise. This should be the main goal through the entire argument. There’s no use bickering like kids and having no intention of compromising! The goal is to share your opinions and feelings on the subject, then find a way to overcome the problem together. You really don’t want to win the fight, because where will that leave you? You are fighting for your marriage, you are fighting together, not each other!
And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21 (NLT)
There are many more ways to make fighting less painful. This next passage from the bible is full of helpful ideas! Almost everyone knows part of this passage, but I urge you to read it fully and try to comprehend what all is being said.
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.
11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Now, read it again! I will leave you with one last thought. God is love!
But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
1 John 4:8 (NLT)